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Writer's pictureDavid Kirkland

How to Disagree Better: Lessons from My Equity Work

Updated: Jul 22


The recent attempted assassination of former President Trump is a stark reminder of our divisions. But our divisions, themselves, are not our greatest adversary, nor is unity the panacea we often seek.

 

Our diversity—of thought, experience, and identity—enriches us. The real challenge lies not in our differences but in our inability to embrace and navigate them.

 

Perhaps we have made too much of the naked desire for consensus, mistakenly believing that homogenizing our views will heal our fractures. This drive for conformity does not address the root of our issues. The problem isn’t that we are not the same; it’s that we need to learn to live together within our differences. This isn’t about unity but how to agree and disagree more constructively.

 

Toward Constructive Disagreement

Our failure to engage in constructive disagreement undermines our strength. True progress requires us to move beyond superficial agreements and confront the complexities of our varied perspectives. How do we shift our focus from striving to be heard to fostering a culture where respectful, robust disagreement is seen as a pathway to deeper understanding and genuine collaboration? How do we quiet our passions long enough to listen to our hearts and move more thoughtfully with our heads?

 

This is the essence of equity work—recognizing the value in each voice and learning how to harmonize the dissonance into a richer, more powerful narrative of human experience. I have been blessed to do this work for the past 25 years, standing in the middle of competing positions and mediating dialogue in places where division and conflict seemed insurmountable.

 

From the classrooms of urban schools where diverse voices must be honored to the boardrooms of organizations grappling with issues of diversity and inclusion, my journey has fostered understanding and collaboration. In these spaces, I have witnessed the transformative power of truly listening to and valuing every perspective, ensuring that even the most marginalized voices are heard and fully respected.

 

Through this work, I have learned effective disagreement is not about striving to be heard or erasing differences but about quieting our passions so that we might engage our differences more deeply and respectfully. It is about creating environments where conflicting views can coexist and where dialogue can lead to growth and change.

 

As bell hooks writes, “Engaged pedagogy begins with the assumption that we learn best when there is an interactive relationship between teacher and students.” This principle extends beyond the classroom to all areas of life, emphasizing how engagement and mutual respect are foundational to productive conflict resolution.

 

Paulo Freire’s concept of dialogic education has also informed my approach to mediating disagreements. Freire advocates for dialogue rooted in mutual respect and a shared commitment to understanding. He states, “Dialogue cannot exist without humility,” highlighting the need for participants in any conflict to approach each other with openness and a willingness to learn. In practice, this means creating spaces where all participants feel safe to express their views and where there is a genuine effort to understand and integrate different perspectives.

 

The National Governors Association’s “Disagree Better” initiative exemplifies how structured dialogue and collaborative efforts can model effective conflict resolution on a larger scale. By bringing together leaders from different political backgrounds to engage in public debates and service projects, this initiative demonstrates that respectful disagreement can lead to constructive outcomes and stronger communities.

 

Research in conflict resolution supports these insights. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) identifies collaboration as a particularly effective approach to conflict. Collaboration involves actively seeking mutually beneficial solutions and integrating diverse perspectives, aligning with the principles of equity and inclusion. This approach contrasts with competitive or avoidant strategies, which can perpetuate power imbalances and silence less dominant voices (Thomas & Kilmann, 1974).

 

Mindfulness has also been highlighted as a tool for managing conflict constructively. Kay and Skarlicki (2020) suggest that mindfulness facilitates a “conflict-positive” mindset, encouraging individuals to remain present and non-reactive during disagreements. This practice can help create a space where all participants feel respected and heard, which is essential for equitable dialogue.

 

In practical terms, creating spaces for structured dialogue and reflective practices can help normalize disagreement and make it a productive part of organizational and community cultures. Tschannen-Moran (2001) highlights the effectiveness of conflict management initiatives in educational settings, which can serve as models for all of us. These programs often involve role-playing, feedback sessions, and reflective practices that help individuals develop the skills needed for constructive disagreement.

 

How to Agree and Disagree Better

Based on both the scholarship and my own experiences mediating disagreement in equity spaces, I’ve learned that it’s essential to create environments where people feel safe expressing their opinions, even when they differ. This involves affirming each other’s voices, acknowledging different perspectives, and engaging in respectful dialogue. The goal is to foster understanding and growth while avoiding harm.

 

By following these guidelines offered by forwardED as part of its guidance on ‘how to agree and disagree better ‘and using the sample script below, we can navigate agreements and disagreements constructively, ensuring that all voices are heard and respected while minimizing harm and fostering a collaborative environment.

 

1.   Affirm the Person’s Voice

a.     Acknowledge the speaker’s perspective and show that you value their contribution.

b.     Use phrases like, “I hear you,” “I understand where you’re coming from,” and “Your perspective is important.”

 

2.   Respect Different Perspectives

a.     Accept that differing opinions can coexist and contribute to a richer discussion.

b.     Use phrases like, “We can agree to disagree,” and “Our differences can help us learn from each other.”

 

3.   Engage with Respect and Curiosity

a.     Approach disagreements with a mindset of curiosity rather than judgment.

b.     Ask clarifying questions to understand the other person’s viewpoint better.

 

4.   Avoid Toxic Positivity

a.     Be genuine in your agreement and disagreement. Avoid superficial affirmations that can come across as dismissive.

b.     Be mindful not to overly celebrate points just to maintain harmony, which can invalidate genuine concerns.

 

5.   Call Others In, Not Out

a.     Use inclusive language that invites people into the conversation rather than alienating them from it.

b.     Focus on the issue at hand, not the person.

 

Sample Script for Agreeing and Disagreeing in Equity Spaces:

 

Agreeing Respectfully

 

  • Acknowledge the Contribution: “I appreciate your point about the need for more inclusive curriculum materials. It’s crucial that all students see themselves reflected in what they learn.”

 

  • Express Genuine Agreement: “I completely agree with your perspective on this. Ensuring diversity in our curriculum is essential for fostering a sense of belonging.”

 

  • Affirm and Add Value: “Your insight is spot on. I think we can also look at integrating local community voices to further enrich the content.”

 

Disagreeing Respectfully

 

  • Acknowledge and Affirm: “I hear you and understand the concern about implementing this new policy quickly.”

 

  • Express Disagreement Gently: “I see it a bit differently, though. I believe taking more time to ensure all stakeholders are on board might lead to better long-term success.”

 

  • Invite Further Dialogue: “Can we explore your concerns more? I think there might be a way to address them while still moving forward with the policy.”

 

Calling Others In

 

  • Acknowledge and Invite: “I appreciate your enthusiasm about this project. I think it’s important for us to consider how it impacts all community members, including those who might have different needs.”

 

  • Pose Inclusive Questions: “How do you think we can ensure that everyone’s voice is heard in this process? I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this.”

 

  • Focus on Learning Together: “Let’s explore this together. I believe we can come up with a solution that respects and incorporates diverse perspectives.”

 

We embrace the profound responsibility of engaging with our differences. If we don’t, we all lose. Thus, in the face of division, let us find courage to listen, to honor every voice, and to transform conflict into a catalyst for collective growth.

 

Our strength lies not in our ability to silence dissent but in our willingness to engage it with understanding and respect. It is through these very differences that our greatest strengths are found. Together, we can build a society where every perspective is valued, every voice is heard, and our shared commitment to listening guides us to somewhere better than we currently are.

 

We don’t have to agree to move forward together.

 


References

 

Freire, P. (1970). Pedagogy of the Oppressed. New York: Herder and Herder.

 

hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to Transgress: Education as the Practice of Freedom. New York: Routledge.

 

Kay, A. A., & Skarlicki, D. P. (2020). Cultivating a conflict-positive workplace: How mindfulness facilitates constructive conflict management. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 159, 8-20. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2020.02.001

 

National Governors Association (2023). Disagree better: Healthy conflict for better policy. Retrieved from https://www.nga.org/disagree-better.

 

Thomas, K. W., & Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Tuxedo, NY: XICOM.

 

Tschannen-Moran, M. (2001). The effects of a state-wide conflict management initiative in schools. American Secondary Education, 29(3), 2-32.

 

 

__________________________________________

 

Suggested citation: Kirkland, D.E. (2024). How to disagree better. In forwardED Perspectives, https://www.forward-ed.com/post/how-to-disagree.

 

David E. Kirkland, PhD, is the founder and CEO of forwardED. He is a nationally renowned scholar of education equity. He can be reached via email at: david@forward-ed.com.

 

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